The Art of Apology
Ever wonder why people don’t respond more positively when you apologize? Maybe you’re not apologizing! No matter how well-meaning you are, it’s likely that you’re committing one or more of the most common apology mistakes. If you recognize yourself in any of these, you might try apologizing for your bad apologies. Hey, it’s a place to start.
- “I’m sorry you….” This is never an apology, as you probably know if you’ve ever been on the receiving end of one. It always places the responsibility squarely on the other person. Since an apology is intended to express regret for your own behavior, or for the effects of your behavior, it is entirely counterproductive to begin this way. This sort of apology is a further insult to the person you’ve harmed - if this is the best you can do, you’d do better not to bother.
- Behaving as though someone is forcing you to apologize. Do you remember the kind of apology you gave when you were very small and an apology was “suggested” by one of your parents? Well, you’re an adult now. You made the decision to apologize. Own it!
- Is that a chip on your shoulder? Brush it off, throw it off, scrub it off if you must, but get rid of it. If it’s time to apologize, the time for arguing is past. That chip is nothing but tinder, and you’re trying to put out the fire, not start another one.
- Excuses, excuses, excuses…. There is no excuse. You did something wrong, or you hurt someone, and now it’s time to do what you can to make it right. You can’t undo what you did or said, but you can take responsibility for your part in what happened. An expert apologizer can chase a sincere apology with an explanation, often followed by another apology. You’re probably not there yet, so keep it short and sweet.
- “I’m sorry, but…” The word “but” erases everything that came before and places the emphasis on that which follows. In this case, it is even more dangerous because it is usually followed by an excuse. Take the road less traveled and stop short.
- Love means never having to say you’re sorry. Love means saying you’re sorry all the time. It means saying you’re sorry for feelings you hurt, even when you don’t think you did anything that should have resulted in hurt feelings. On a good day, it means saying you’re sorry half-a-dozen times. On a bad day, it means saying you’re sorry every five minutes. Practice makes perfect!
Now that you know what you’ve been doing wrong, here’s what you can do to make it right:
- Change isn’t just for the seasons. Before you apologize, take a good look at yourself. Are you a repeat offender? By the time you’ve apologized for the same thing three times, you’ve lost all credibility. Develop a plan of action to change before you say you’re sorry. After the other person has accepted your apology, share your plan. Ask for help. This will assure the other person that you mean what you say and that you’re both on the same team.
- Recognize that the apology is not about you. It’s about the person you hurt. You don’t need to go on and on about how badly you feel. Your feelings aren’t the ones that matter here.
- Be kind. You hurt another person, and now you need to help them feel safe so that you can soften your error. Speak softly and gently. Express compassion and regret for the pain you caused.
- Body language speaks a thousand words. Stay at the same level as the other person – sit if they’re sitting, stand if they’re standing. Keep your arms and legs uncrossed. Make solid eye contact, without being aggressive. If the other person is reluctant to do this, apologize sincerely until they can look at you, then again with eye contact.
- “I’m sorry I…” The opposite of the number one mistake above, this apology simultaneously confesses wrong and claims responsibility. This is the first half of a true apology.
- Details, to a point. “I’m sorry,” doesn’t mean much. Are you sorry you did something wrong, or sorry you got caught? Tell the other person what it is you’re sorry about. Keep it simple. The purpose here is not to make the other person see your point of view, but to reassure them that you are on the same page about the transgression.
- Blessed are the meek. If ever there is a time to practice humility, this is it! You and the person you hurt may not agree on what exactly you did wrong. Even if you do agree, the other person may not be willing or able to accept your apology immediately. It’s your job to keep apologizing over time until they can. This is hard. But once you’ve decided you did something wrong, you owe the other person as many apologies as they need to heal.
Copyright 2008, Angela Biggs