One of the classes I need to complete my degree is COM212: Public Speaking. I do not intend to take this class; instead, I am going to complete a “portfolio”, essentially proving that my life has already supplied me with the information covered in the course. So one of the things I have to do is prove my performance experience.
And in order to do that, I have to start pawing through my past. Literally. I have three boxes in the basement: one for high school, one for college, and one labeled “personals” - sentimental things accumulated while I lived at home (diaries, letters, corsages, etc.) I did manage to hit the jackpot, and found what I believe is a stack of programs from every single concert, recital, and show I was in through the end of high school. I always KNEW there was a reason I kept that stuff around!! It’s going to save me money now. The portfolio process costs $125, whereas this class would cost $906 plus a camcorder and a membership in Toastmasters.
Man, it hurts to go through those things. Going through those boxes reminds me of so many naive, careless, stupid, and cruel things I’ve done that I had completely forgotten. I wish that in high school I had the same understanding (and hormonal levels) as I do now. I wish I had been older in high school. And if it meant that I could go back and act then as me now, I would even take on the diabetes ten years earlier. That’s how many things I wish I could change. I didn’t even dare look at most of what was in those boxes. I found what I needed, and then closed them. That’s about the best I can do with the first twenty years of my life.
To all those people I hurt, I am sorry. I hope for your sakes that you’re better at forgiving than I am. I wish I could undo those things. I will always regret that I can’t. And every now and then, like tonight, I still sit back and cry for what I’ve done.
I don’t think hell needs to be anything more than regret.
I just took a personality test for my Psych class. It was spot-on, so I shared a couple of the trait descriptions on Facebook. But apparently, in the Extroversion section (although quite sparse in that section actually), I showed up on the Authoritative scale:
You have found that others will often do what you want them to do, without significantly pushing back. You’ve also discovered that many people will accept harsher criticism from you than they would take from anyone else.
Just the way this was phrased, “You have found . . . ” and “You have also discovered . . .” has me laughing to tears. Because it’s very true, and that’s exactly what happened.
Fortunately for me and everyone else, I’ve mellowed over the years and I scored much higher in Reserved, Discreet, and Private than in Authoritative. (But, just to be fair to my intellect and understanding, those who listen to my criticism and take it to heart always find themselves the better for it. Just ask Jeremy.)
I’m halfway through the first term of the last year until I get my degree. Being a dreamer and a planner, I am of course already contemplating my graduation party; after our nightmare wedding and Jeremy’s 30th b-day success, this is going to be a breeze, and I’m having fun. The only thing I’m worried about is The Question. It goes like this:
Guest: Congratulations! So, how long were you working on this?
Angela: Thank you! I’m thrilled. It’s been about twelve years since I started, and I am very glad it’s over.
Guest: I bet you are. So what do you plan to do now?
Ah, The Question.
JLPT = John, Laurel, Parker and Tucker!
Angela is feeling under the [fantastically beautiful] weather, so it was just me and the Hall clan enjoying the morning petting the happy little citizens of Wellsworth Orchard.
I’ve been getting a solid 8-9 hours each night lately, but for some reason I’m not feeling rested. Hence the “sleepy”.
I’m trying to write this ridiculous essay on Atlas Shrugged (ridiculous because the book is soooooo long and sooooo complex, with soooo many themes, and I have to write about just one in 800-1600 words), and simultaneously musing. In some ways, I am very grateful that it has taken me so long to finish school. (What?! I know! How twisted!) I’m sitting here writing this essay, musing on the differences between morals and ethics, their limitations and enforceabilities, and trying to condense my understanding into a sentence or less within parallel structures in two separate paragraphs, when I started thinking:
1. I have personally developed definitions of morals and ethics as well as a personal understanding of their similarities and differences, and a number of hours of independent contemplation on the subject; my understanding is influenced by C.S. Lewis, Madeleine L’Engle, the Bible, Milton Friedman, the recent economic meltdown and my own personal experiences (and that list is just off the top of my head)
2. Although I may be using the wrong term for it, I know what a parallel structure is, I know that it is a strong structure for persuasion, and I know how to create it
3. I am going to have to include a bibliography for my essay, because I’m taking one idea directly from C.S. Lewis and another from L’Engle and using them directly, although there won’t be any quotations
4. I have such an edge here!!!!
Seriously? This contest is for high school seniors and college students. No high school senior could even approach the level on which I am able to comprehend this book, and most college students are still traditional, which means my oldest competition is less than 21 years old. Maybe I was just excessively young at that age (and well, I was), but I couldn’t have done this back then. Even if I can’t put it together as well as I want to because I am overwhelmed by the volume of information I’m trying to sift, maturity is going to give me a humongous advantage. The understanding that comes with years is going to show through.
It’s kind of exciting. I hope that in a couple of years when my wrinkles consist of more than just crow’s feet, the excitement of increased understanding will offset that.
Back-story: Some of you may be aware of my ongoing battle with Jeremy’s table manners.
Jeremy and I had haircuts in Concord today, and we went to lunch at Ruby Tuesday.
A: Did you just lick your knife?!
J: What? I can’t lick my knife?
A: No!!
J: What’s wrong with that?
A: ::thinks for a moment, then mimicks the lick:: Does that look at all off to you?
J: . . . Yeah, okay, I see.
A: ::tsk,tsk,tsk:: Raised in a barn.
J: No, raised in a ranch.
::pause::
Rolling laughter.
Ah, family vacations. He-said, she-said, they all blew up and fell down.
I have another one of these coming up in a few weeks. Persons 1 & 2 are communication about an option. Person 3 talks to person 2, gets the facts totally messed up afterward, gets upset with Person 1, and then relays the made-up story to Person 1, complete with upsetness. Person 1 forwards the proving email to Person 2, Person 2 responds with “that’s not what I said to Person 3″, Person 1 says “ok, will you clear that up with Person 3 then, (s)he’s really mad at me”. . .
And we’re still two weeks out from the actual event.
I can feel my blood pressure skyrocketing. (The amazing thing about being more relaxed in general now is that I can actually feel this!)
There’s a lot of “play it by ear”, too. I know this, because I specifically made a phone call to find out if there is anywhere I will be expected to be at a particular time, so that I can make plans to see friends and not get in trouble for it. “Play it by ear” translates to “uh-oh”. It means that nobody knows what is going on, but that I will be held responsible if I don’t magically divine it and make sure to be at the right place at the right time. Then again, I’m only basing this on past experience. Jeremy says I must hope.
Hoping hard, with my eyes screwed up, hands fisted, and teeth clenched. Good times!
*Update a few hours later: one advantage of hoping is that I’m finding it a little bit funny now. . .
Jeremy decided that this time, he was going to spend some time crafting a response, instead of trying to out-talk me cold when I’ve had all kinds of time to think, formulate a hypothesis, and then write it down.
It’s very good. I’m not sure that I agree, but I’m going to read it again. Link on the left side of the page.
A: [Rolling and shaking in laughter at one of the sentences.]
J: “This is what happens when I take time to think!”
A: [Laughs so hard she almost bounces the laptop onto the floor.]
Check out the new essay under “Other Pages” on the left side of the screen.
Random Person: So, how do you like going to school online?
Angela: Eh. I like the convenience, but I wouldn’t do it again. There is a lack of accountability that I find troublesome.
RP: Yeah, I wouldn’t be able to make myself do the work.
A: Hm? No! I don’t have any problem doing the work, there are deadlines and grades. The instructors are not accountable to me, and that is a problem.
This is invariably followed by a silence, the nature of which I have not yet deciphered.
Friday, 08/21/2009 - Written by Angela at 2:03 pm - No Comments - Musings, Our Little World - Permalink
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