The Biggs Picture

I’ve been using the CGM for a year now, and I’ve achieved truly excellent control of my diabetes. So why am I still feeling sick all the time? I went to the doctor Friday to find out. The constant hair loss, never-ending, crushing fatigue, frequent and debilitating headaches, inexplicable weight changes, and just overall feeling ill all the time was supposed to go away or at least improve with better control.

They took some blood to run some tests, but while there my doctor (really a nurse - apparently we don’t have an actual doctor) told me that even with great control I’m still a diabetic and can expect to feel ill at least most of the time.

EXCUSE ME???

Do you have any idea how much time I spend researching and implementing new strategies for improving my health? Or how good I am at it? I think equally with both sides of my brain. Only a very small percentage of people do this, most are biased toward the right or left, and the big benefit of using both to equal advantage is that you are essentially a problem-solving machine. I focus all of this problem-solving power on managing my disease all the time. All. The. Time. ALL THE TIME. And yes, I do expect to see some benefit. Because if I’ll just live longer, well then forget it. Who wants to live 80 years feeling sick as a dog all. the. time?

I wear an instrument of death every single second of every single blessed day. I do not do this for kicks, and I am not ignorant of my options. Insulin is a choice. It is not a necessity. Not all lives are better than none at all. And I have four choices:

1. I can take the pump off and die slowly. This would not be wise, since the deterioration would be rapid enough to be acutely noticeable, although slow enough to be acutely painful.
2. I can wear it and pay no attention to it at all, achieving only a shadow of control. I have done this.
3. I can wear it and live-it-breathe-it to gain excellent control. I am doing this, although apparently for NO reason.
4. I can give myself a massive overdose and induce seizure, coma, death. I contemplated this long ago, but couldn’t find anything on the internet about how we experience a seizure; most importantly, do we retain consciousness and/or feel pain?

I think that a physician who ignores the existence of these options, no matter how well-meaning she may be, is stupid. Just plain stupid. I am not wearing out my brilliance on this disease because I must. And I can stop any time I damn well please.

I am not going to kill myself. But I think I may need to find a new doctor.